I've learned more about myself. I've always known I was more idealistic, and I really need to work on being practical. I know that I have many goals for myself, but I am never able to fully achieve those goals. Laziness and procrastination are always in the way of me. And the God of Internet, too. Stop sucking me in, goddamn it. Without all these things, I would truly achieve so much more. I really wished there was someone that can be my temporary mother, make me do things, tell me when I'm doing something wrong, be there for me. I want someone to take care of me, and I'm not afraid to say that. All this "I'm independent, I don't need anyone" bullshit I've made myself believe, is wrong. I just want somebody to genuinely care for me, not out of politeness, but from the heart. Just a friend, that genuinely cares for me.
Yes, I've lost motivation lately, in everything. Let's just say, life in general. It's like, I've given up on life. I'm skipping classes, I'm not doing my work, etc. But I'm slowly trying to break out of that vicious cycle of sleeping in and skipping classes, then staying up all night. I'm forcing myself to go to class now. That's a start. And not procrastinate on work, which is really hard. Bad habits are hard to break, huh?
Recently, for an English essay I had to write for, I wrote on the theme of paralysis in both "Maggie: A Girl of the Streets" and "The Dubliners" (Okay, I read the sparknotes edition. No shame.) But, I find that I'm very much alike with Maggie and Eveline. Both were tragic heros, protagonists of the story. Both were 'paralyzed' in the sense that they were not happy with their environment, their family, and their monotonous lives. For me, I can say that for the most part, I'm not entirely happy with my life right now. And similar to them, I've had a 'plan of escape'. But it failed. Just like them. I hope my life won't go downhill from there, just like those characters in the books. But I guess, I create my own fate, huh?
If only I had more motivation....
In terms of schoolwork, it's not going that well. In terms of friends here in college, it's pretty much the same, except that the same problem still exists (which I won't dwell on). And my high school friends, I still keep in contact with them, but I've started to slowly lose contact with one of them, but weirdly, I got closer to another during this period of time. Closer in the sense that the friend showed me a side of him/her I never knew since high school. Anyways, I'm the kind of person that really values friends, so I'm hoping to keep in contact until ....forever and ever :) Though I must say that it has been pretty difficult for me because I feel like I'm always the person to initiate conversations, and no one is interested in keeping in touch with me. I feel like it's always me making the effort, you know? And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm tired of feeling unwanted and unloved.
Anyhow, there were a few highlights of this month/week, as I mentioned here in the first paragraph, one of them including my birthday (some of the pictures were posted in my last post!). Anyways, here are some of my selfies/OOTDs/lifestyle pix, however you want to call them, from this week:
|My sloppy nails for Valentine's Day: Pale Pink Polka Dots on a White Background, Silver Lining. And Hearts, of course.|
|Valentine's Day: Got myself a heart shaped jelly filled donut, some chocolate/cookies from my family (They gave me a bunch of packages for Valentine's and my birthday!! )|
|Selfie: Truth be told, I didn't put on that much blush, I just enhanced the colors of the picture. (Post All Nighter)|
|In Progress of All Nighter: Studying for Art History Exam + Writing English Essay|
|Drawing Skeletons for...Drawing|
Lately, I'm addicted to online shopping and I've also been really into BATHS [electronic pop] & Tokimonsta.
Rain Smell- Baths
They're chill and peaceful, yet upbeat enough for me to stay awake through the night. I hope you enjoy!
I've also been really into writing letters, I've been in search for a penpal for a while now. I really think that receiving handwritten letters, mail, packages is one of the best feelings on earth. So, I've started to send letters to my friends now. And even if I don't know you, I'm happy to send you mail. You can contact me, and we can be penpals! :)
Damn it. Blogger didn't save my last paragraph, and I'm too lazy to write another one so...
Have a nice weekend, everyone!
Lots of love,